Arsene Wenger:
Andreas Włodarczyk (a.k.a. Adriano Wanga, formerly John Paul Smith) is a criminal and wanted fugitive. He is regarded as one of the world's most armed and dangerous men by the FBI, who believe he is currently masqeuading as a football coach in England under the name "Arsene Wenger". The Bureau has listed his distinguishing features as acute myopia (blindness for the uniformed), an eyepatch, a hook, a wooden leg, grey skin and an aptitude for working with youths. Not to mention the fact that he's of Afro-Greenlandic origin. The FBI believes that if he is ever to smile, he will instantly and spontaneously self combust.Early Life
Arsene "I didn't see a thing" Wenger was bor
n on the 16th of October 1896. The precise location of his birth is in dispute as 2 renowned experts in the field have come to differing views on this matter. Gene Snitsky, historian & part-time professional wrestler claims that Arsene Wenger was born in Ghduogofhuho Bay, Greenland, a claim bolstered by Wengers Afro-Greenlandic origins & the large concentration of pirates in this area. Oscar Wilde on the other hand insists that Arsene Wenger was born on Mars. As of 25th September 2008, this matter has yet to be resolved.
Little else is known about Arsene Wenger's early life. The identity of his parents remains a mystery apart from the fact that he is of Afro-Greenlandic origin. Even his last name is not his own. His name, roughly translated from an Inuit dialect, means anal masturbator, a claim Wenger himself furiously denies claiming instead that it is French for 'wing it in Arsenal'. Arsene Wenger remained in relative obscurit
y working as a part-time basket weaver & radio DJ before he got his 1st big break, an offer to become a pirate on the Black Pearl.
Many sea-faring adventures brought much fame & glory to Arsene Wenger (despite being only a toilet cleaner). However his many exploits cost him an arm & a leg, & also an eye & most of his pubic hair. Nevertheless Wenger put all of this aside & set forth on his greatest endeavor yet, Arsenal.
Wenger & Arsenal
The turning point of Wenger's career came when the crew of the Black Pearl set forth on their greatest endeavour yet, a daring raid on the Iraqi Imperia
l Palace to steal Edvard Munch's famous painting, the Thierry Henry. Wenger promptly betrayed his crewmates & stole the Henry for himself. However his hand was bitten off by Saddam Hussein himself during a 5 hour Hardcore Match which Wenger won after the involvement of an army of Inuit midgets(hired by Wenger hi
mself for this purpose alone).
With the Henry procured, Wenger set off on a life-raft to Lake Titicaca where he intended to live happily ever after with his painting. However a tornado lifted him up & dumped him in England again. With no money in his pockets & his life raft completely ruined, Wenger had no choice but to set up shop where he landed & founded Arsenal, named after himself of course. Arsenal originally served as a museum to house the Thierry Henry which basically scared the crap out of everyone who saw it & Wenger promptly fined them for soiling the place. This plan, however, came to an end after Oscar Wilde saw the Henry & promptly released the biggest fart recorded in history. The 4000 billionton explosion wiped out 95% of the known & unknown Universe & destroyed whatever remained of W
engers pubic hair.
Hurt but undaunted, Wenger came back & founded the 2nd Arsenal, which is in its present form today. Together with Henry, Wenger has made Arsenal a massive club with an annual turnover of 28 cents a year(Net income=$85763747219472194.65, Henry's salary=$$85763747219472194.37, all values in US dollars, as in YOU ASS dollars).
Crimes
Wenger was famously a suspect for burning down the Cutty Sark at port in London.Soon after the event he was arrested from his North Lon
don home and spent the night in the police station, meaning he missed Arsenal's vital game against Chelsea the next morning. Metropolitan Police strenuosly deny it isn't a misunderstanding between "Arsene" and "Arson". However, many believe this is the case since the Metropolitan Police are so "bull shite at their jobs". Wenger was soon released and went on to call the force "liars" and "down right fookin bitches the lot". Evidence was later unearthed to suggest that Chelsea owner and Russian gangster, Roman Abramovitch had paid someone to frame Wenger for the crime. The information came from a Mr Dwayne Bradfield, who sadly died from radiation poisoning before the case could be brought to the court. Wenger himself refuses to talk about th episode.
- He was chucked out of the premiere of Free Willy 9, as the cinema staff caught him smuggling in a bag of Skips and Gummi Bears as he didn't buy any of the food at their own canteen.
- He was also thrown out of the Premier of L ock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels for shouting instructions at the characters everytime Vinnie Jones was on Screen. A similar thing happenned at the Premier of 'Elizabeth', every time Eric Cantona entered.
- Wenger was arrested following a fight with former caretaker come Chelsea manager Avram Grant. It is claimed Avram refused to called Wenger by his new name, instead insisting on calling him John Paul Smith. It is not known whether this was due to Avram's low IQ or beacause Avram deliberaltey wanted to annoy Wenger (Smith). The incident inspired the Ting Tings number one hit, 'That's not my Name'.
Wengers Chef Credentials
Arsene is a very good chef, in case you didn't know. He set up his own restaurant in North London calling it "Le Martina Jol's Testicle Head", in a direct offense to ex-Spurs manager Martin Jol. However, his career as a chef wasn't without it's conspiracies, as Tottenham fans would recall. Picture the scene, Arsenal and Spurs are fighting it out for the final Champions League place on the final day of the season. Only one
out of these two fierce rivals will get through. What do you do? Well, the most popular theory is to get Arsenal's manager Wenger to cook the Spurs players up a "treat". Wenger, allegedly, under cooked his lasagne and gave it to the Spurs players the night before kick off. During the night, shit and diarrohea was everywhere in the Spurs hotel room. As expecte
d, they were so ill they shat out and lost their game, giving the final Champions League place to Arsenal, leaving Martin Jol to complain to the FA Premier League, but his appeal failed and he quit Tottenham. This is just a theory.
Bout of Downs Syndrome
Recently, after having lost the English Premier League Shotgun Challenge the 1 billionth time to his long time rival, Professor Emeritus Dr. Sir. Alex "Chuck" Ferguson the III Esq, Arsene Wenger was found to have slipped into a state of mental retardation similar to Downs Syndrome. He was found naked, rolling around in his own faeces and promptly put under the care of Sir Alex. Sir Alex has mentioned that every cure known(and unknown) to mankind would be used to bring Wenger back to his sense, including rectal probing.
Gangsta Bean