Chelsea suck !

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John Tear-ry

“"It's just a bit of friendly competition, all in the name of winning the ball eh?"”

~ John Terry, after decapitating an opposition player in a challenge

“"If he's such a shit player, then why is his rating so high on FIFA 09??"”

~ Typical Chelsea glory hunter on John Terry

John "Lionheart" Terry is captain of Chel$ki, a thug, Jose's ex-bum boy and an all around professional cunt. It is also rumored that he is a footballer, however, these reports are yet to be confirmed, with many stating that he is in-fact a rugby player.

In recent years, Terry has implemented wrestling tactics into his game, which were taught to him by his close friend Chris Benoit. These defensive tactics include: stabbing a player repeatedly and mutilating the body; taking off his belt and whipping the referee before he pulls out a card; choking out the opposing striker when the referee isn't looking; and murdering every single player on the other team by tackling them in the face.

He is also known for his famous group orgy with all the Coles. According to his mentor Jose, it was the first time he let any balls in 'round the back. Terry has one flaw in his game, he is retarded as soon as any player with an inkling of skill tries to pass him with the ball at their feet. Ronaldinho is most famous for this. When Chel$ki played Barcelona in 2006, Ronaldinho dribbled up to him, spat in his face, nutmegged him repeatedly then did the old "hey look behind you" trick before rounding him (not without knocking him embarrassingly to the ground first).

That f**king penalty

Terry's disguised appearance of being a reliable player was revealed when Avram Grant foolishly picked him to take a penalty in the 2008 Champions League final. Preoccupied with how he was going to be a hero and the first Chel$ki captain to lift the prestigious trophy in his mind, Terry forgot to remove his customary full time slippers (which later lived up their name) before approaching the penalty spot. Terry "slipped" whilst taking the penalty and hit the post, effectively losing the game.

Following the incident, wanting to prove he was a true blue and man's man, he showed off a new tattoo - 'Chelsea Rules', written in elaborate Chinese letters.

"Classy innit?" he said proudly. After closer inspection, a Chinese press man told Terry it actually said 'arse badger.'

Retardo Carvalho

Apparently Portuguese, despite his scruffy French appearance and smell. Being Portuguese, he is gay by default, however, he further emphasises his gayness by trying to rip opposition players' shirts off. He is rapidly losing his hair, and in the 2007/08 season, won the "Shittest Hair in the Premier League" trophy, Chel$ki's only silverware for the season.

Retardo bears a striking resemblance to Social critic and Irish prime minister, Dylan Moran, but has denied allegations that they are one-in-the-same, stating that Moran has more hair than he does.

Michael Ass-ien

Known for his sexual frustrations, Essien was famous in Ghana for promoting the use of Viagra, as they seemed to give him a burst of hormonal rage in which he would attempt to kick strikers, teammates, referees and mascots in the genital region.

Essien uses a special motivational technique learnt from the movie "Waterboy", in which John Terry says to him before a match "Hey, the whole other team banged your mum Michael - you gonna let them get away with it?". Michael is therefore a very angry man. As angry as he is one thing's for sure, he's one ugly son of a bitch. Essien holds the record of biggest forehead in the Premier League beating the much underrated and rather shit Ashley Young of Aston Villa.

It has been rumored that Essien is a prototype in Abramovich's evil scheme to create a super race of cyborg footballers. He doesn't feel pity, remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop. Ever.